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谈心:庆贺、纠结、疑惑

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在一个人的生活中,忙忙碌碌中,我忘了我已逐渐到达了那个年龄。社交网上不断浮现出某种照片,都在庆祝他们人生中一个巨大的转换站。求婚、订婚、结婚、买房 -- 是的,在上上一代的人们会说,我到了适婚年龄。虽然说我很庆幸我生长在一个不在意我有没有感情生活的家庭,但是一个小家族很难抵挡一整个世界建起的人生规律。所以,我难免会怀疑自己是不是有问题,不过我也知道我其实没什么问题。(没男友不会世界末日的意思,自信心是另一码事。)

我很好奇,我一直都很好奇。我为周围的朋友找到能托付下半辈子的人感到开心,但是我仍然好奇那种感觉是什么。可能心理医生会说因为我的家庭背景关系,所以我的潜意识不接受感情。我觉得并没有这回事,因为我确实会渴望爱情?偶尔如在沙漠中渴望水的那么生死之间的渴望,偶尔如嘴馋想找个饼啃的没那么烈的渴望。

我和一位朋友谈过,出来的结果有些许矛盾。我对自己现在单身的生活方式感到很舒服,我行我素,但偶尔... 也就是偶尔的,会希望有一个是我想第一个分享我的所有喜怒哀乐的人。平时的我有很多事都不庆祝,本性就喜欢安安静静的度过。但是偶尔,又是偶尔,希望有一个人会想和我一起吃个饭,会特意的为我买一份礼物。我觉得那一种特意,与朋友和家人的祝福是两种不一样的心意。

但是也和同一位朋友聊过。我过不了我自己的心理障碍,也就是我觉得我长得不怎么样。高度不怎样,皮肤不怎样,个性不怎样,坏习惯不少,古里古怪不少,娇也不会撒,牙齿有点歪... 等等。曾经有过“可能恋爱”的两次,都没有结果,因为我自己的关系。第一次是我纯粹的蠢,不懂人家在表达心意。(如今,他已订婚了。)第二次,是我临阵退缩。网游认识的,别人会说那是不踏实的友谊,可是他确实要来找我,日期也定了。但是我也因为对自己的长相和电话上的照片不100%一样,立马把他从我的人生中消灭。我没给人家机会问为什么,相等于和一个朋友决裂。玩得投入的网游和一帮朋友,我全在一夜中抛弃,因为我对于现实的我没有信心。我怕面对不了他的失望。

我没有办法想象自己能被人喜欢。我不懂是因为一直以来我都是一个人度过,一个人从来没有被喜欢过的度过,所以没有办法了解。或者,被喜欢的话,我也太蠢不能理解。一种蠢是不懂人家的心意。另一种蠢是我觉得另外一个人怎么会看上我呢,我应该是自作多情了。

朋友说我应该先学会喜欢我自己。我也想,但是这种事没有手册。我想我每次说现在的孩子都读书…

MUSE: 喜欢是什么感觉

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喜欢,很简单的说出口,很白的两个字。 没有爱那么深、那么可怕,却也没有暧昧那么不明不白。
喜欢是什么感觉?
喜欢是飞翔,是知道不会突然坠落的安全。 喜欢是被带着飞,是知道最后你会安全着地。 喜欢是享受风吻着你的脸,但也知道风停后你依然暖和。
喜欢一个人是什么感觉?
是他站得太靠近时,你的心似乎忘了跳几下。 是他工作时,你就想一直望着那身影。 是他说话时,你想和他聊一整天。
我喜欢一个人。
喜欢独处,因为只要不期待别人的喜欢,自己就不觉得需要那份喜欢,也就没了失望。 独自一人的我,可以去寻找自己喜欢的生活方式,做自己想做的事。 没有必要顾虑另外一半的感受,因为我的人生中不存在另一个他。
我喜欢一个人。
那种想看见一个人在某个地方出现的希望。 那种期待能与他聊天的机会。 那种让自己生活中有一种莫名的冲劲。 那种想抓牢却又想看他飞翔的莫名其妙。
我不喜欢我喜欢一个人。
期待那份喜欢的回应,那份可能永远都不会来的回应。 想为自己而活,却又贪图那个让我有多一点能量的他。 幻想着种种的如果,但也明白可能没有如果。 这种期待、这份喜欢,只会带给自己那揪心的难受。
日子久了,喜欢一个人变成一种又爱又恨的感觉。
我想学会怎么把自己的心锁死,我常提醒自己不要用情。 但人是善变动物,提醒了也会忘、也会固执。 常常提醒,不是不会忘记,而是会厌恶自己的提醒。
逆风,更适合飞翔。
我喜欢独来独往、喜欢自己飞。
日子久了,我有可能真的忘了。
喜欢一个人是什么感觉?



P.S. 我是骗子。

Hello 2018

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2017 was not a good year of blogging for me since apparently, I only posted once and it was quite a... sad entry. Here's to changing the frequency of my posts, haha! ;)

Other than that, 2017 was a year that was pretty fulfilling and illuminating for me. I held on to my current job, had a promotion, met new wonderful colleagues, connected with old awesome colleagues. I made time for my family, ate more often and went out more often with them whenever I have the time to. I went on my vacation with my friends for the first time instead of just my family and it probably made us wiser about each other.

UNADULTERATED: Voice of a Person Behind the Counter

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It has been a while since I last blogged, but not since I last written. I fear that my work has been slowly chewing the part of myself that I feel is most precious to me -- my soul, and the ability to organise my thoughts and place them into words. This is what makes me become slightly human(e) again.

In truth, who doesn't have a love-hate relationship with their job or career? I know I do.

I have talked about this so many times in passing to friends, family, colleagues... but it never ever gets old. Anyone who worked or works in any position that serves customers will have encountered these feelings, one way or another, once or one time too many, in their working life.

I have never understood why people feel the need to shout at a service crew person's mistake. Or the need to make "passing" but demeaning comments. Or to write in and ask a rhetoric question of whether the staff was having bad day, but obviously still wanting the management to take action.



I have nev…

Book vs. Film: The Promise 無極

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The Promise 無極 (wú jí), by Jingming Guo 郭敬明 • Published by 圖神出版社 • ★★★★ • Goodreads THE BOOK The interesting thing about the book counterpart of The Promise is that it was written after the movie. The director chose a writer and granted him the creativity to write the story again, but keeping the beginning and the ending the same. This is actually great because the movie, admittedly (on hindsight), wasn't that great in comparison to the book.

Jingming inserted new fantasy elements into the story, which was pretty weak in the movie. He also created an entirely new fighting system and introduced another faction into the power struggle between Wuhuan, Qingcheng, and Guangming. Never underestimate the power of a world that is well-built.

I would like to think The Promise is trying to talk about the circle of life, but it also romanticizes it into a tragedy (of sorts). If you could see your future and your fate, would you believe it? If you believe it, would you just do nothing and se…

Unboxing: Librum Box, May/June 2016

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I was extremely pleased with my first experience with Librum Box, which was the March/April box, as I was highly motivated to purchase it due to one of my favourite makers (Baisimu) being involved in that particular box. When the current theme for May/June was announced, I signed up immediately because I love tea. I mean, hey, who doesn't love tea? ;)
Disclosure: This post is not sponsored by any of the artists/makers involved or CLSG. 
What I appreciate most about Carpe Librum is that the box is delivered personally by the team. It's probably tough for them, especially since it was raining the day they delivered mine, but no start-ups are easygoing from the beginning. Kudos to that!
So what is in this couple of months' Librum Box? :D

I left the box overnight before I opened it and I was SO GLAD that the ants did not invade the cookies, because I would have been so sad. (Due to the weather, insects are emerging EVERYWHERE. Argh.)
1. CHOCOLATE CHIPS COOKIES BY DE'COOKIE…

UNADULTERATED: All Sides of A Coin

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UNADULTERATED is a feature I created to allow my muddled thoughts to be straightened out into sentences, but often remaining as ramblings with little to no motives behind them. (Also more commonly known as regurgitating thoughts or verbal diarrhea.) There are minimal editing in these posts, hence there will be lots of straying of thoughts and even driving off "topic cliffs". Consider yourself warned. ;)
I have the luck to enjoy company with people who are objective and are capable of seeing different sides of a coin. Recently, perhaps I had accidentally stepped on the train of Lady Luck’s dress, for I have also encountered some people who are rather adamant on their love(s).

That gave birth to this post.

At what point does love and passion turn into rabid obsession? Rabid and passionate are actually synonyms but it’s funny how their connotations set them apart.

Think of a rabid fan, do you get a rather crazed and illogical person? Perhaps.
Think of a passionate fan, do you g…